Yesterday my life was altered in such a way that I will never be able to return to my pre-incident life. I hesitate even telling you for fear you will never visit my small space. Here's what happened...
We returned home from small group around 10:30 (we're a chatty little group). I walked in with the leftover pulled pork (quite delish, if I do say so myself). Hubs followed me with our go-green bag full of paper plates (ironic?), napkins, and other picnic-related items. Shortly after walking in, Dans noticed something "out of place" in the corner of our dining room.
On a good day, here's what our dining room looks like:
Hubs walked over to the "out of place" object and made a very poor decision. One that compromised his life. He said, "Heidi, come here. You've got to see this." And that, my friends, was the set of sentences that will alter the next 60 years of my life.
You are probably wondering the following:
- What did hubs do that was so bad?
- What did hubs ask Heidi to come and see?
- Why is Heidi's life dramatically altered?
- Why is Heidi so dramatic?
1. Hubs knew what he was looking at, yet he still requested Heidi's presence.
2. Look away if you dare, but I am able to tell you what hubs asked "Heidi to come and see." I cannot lie on this blog. So I am telling the truth when I tell you this. (Ignore the awkward wordedness/repetition of the last 2 sentences.) Friends, colleagues, family, countrymen, children, lend me your ears.
+Teachable moment pause+ This is what we call a "climax" - the most intense, emotional part of the story. Everything leading up to this point is called the rising action. Following what I'm about to tell you is the falling action and then the resolution. +End teachable moment pause. Thank you for your time+
Stuck in a small trap meant to catch pesky little arachnids (my 2nd most hated thing on this earth) was my 1st most hated thing on this earth. Mustard? No, that is number 3. A mouse? Hardly, mice are cute. A small bird? No way, I love me some birds. A pretty flower? Crazy, I love flowers. Okay, so that was a dumb guess.
My number one most hated thing on this planet...........snakes. Yes. There was a snake dead in an arachnid trap in our apartment. It makes me cringe to even admit this travesty.
I had been cleaning up the kitchen, but I promptly walked into our bedroom and...cried. Yes, I cried. That's what people do when they feel that death is imminent. Hubs took care of the evil creature and found me awkwardly weepy in our bedroom. And he laughed! Okay, so I wasn't sobbing. But my hands were shaking and there was a lump in my throat. I requested that we stay in a hotel overnight. He was not convinced that death was encroaching. I told him he was crazy. I then requested that we stay with our in-laws. Again, he laughed. After much coaxing, I tiptoed around and got ready for bed. Naturally, like any human being afraid that an anaconda is about to strangle them to death, I dramatically flipped the sheets (you can't say you're surprised) to make sure no other blood-sucking creature lay close. I was safe. So I crawled into bed and made hubs talk to me until I forgot about the time I saw my life flash before my eyes.
Before he drifted off into a deep slumber, I made sure to tell him that, on penalty of death, he must never antagonize me about snakes or the incident that nearly thrusted me into cardiac arrest. He agreed.
All was right in the world until.........
+Stay tuned for the next edition of "Heidi-is-so-dramatic-it-hurts."+
***Disclaimer: the creature was a mere gardener snake. But a snake is a snake, and they should all be burned. We think it slipped in by way of our front screen door that only latches if you pull it closed. Note to self: always pull screen door closed. When I requested that we move out in 24 hours, Daniel reminded me that weird things happen no matter where you live. And it's true.***
And thank you for humoring me. Now I'm going to don my work boots and clean every square inch of this apartment in an attempt to ward off any other unsuspecting creatures.
Happy Wednesday. May today bring you enough drama (the good kind, of course) to bring you a chuckle or a chortle.
Lovesies and cupcakes.
oh my!!! that is terrible!! I hate snakes. I am glad you survived! And I hope no other snakes come to visit.
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