It's no secret that my post-partum experience with Bennett was an absolute train wreck. Go back and have a read if you're able. I've never pretended that I have it all together and that post only confirms my general messiness.
But the beauty in that post and, I hope, the beauty in the next few weeks and months is that that part of me has been redeemed. When I wrote it 20 months ago, I remember thinking, "If one momma is encouraged by this, that's enough." I was blown away by the women who reached out to me for months after that post with their own story. The power of "me too" was tremendous and I'm forever grateful that though I was at the bottom, I overcame and the Lord completely used the pain for good.
ALL THAT to say, I'm about to enter the post-partum phase again. During post-partum round one, I had many thoughts like "guess I'll only have one baby" or "there's no way I'm doing this again" or "how does anyone have more than one kid?!" I'm officially 37 weeks and 5 days pregnant with baby #2, so I was obviously able to overcome those thoughts.
What I want to share with you is how I'm preparing for entering a season that was so dark 26 months ago. Why? Because something tells me there's someone out there who is terrified of having baby #2 for the same reasons I was. Let me be real: I'm not on the other side of post-partum yet, of course, but I am preparing for it much more intentionally than before round one.
Let's get logistical.
I literally already have a script from my doctor for anti-anxiety meds. I kid you not when I say that I will get it filled before we leave the hospital. Why? Because I know myself. And I know my hormones are going to hit the fan and splatter everywhere (how's that for graphic?) the minute sweet baby girl is born. Perhaps I could try a few weeks sans the meds but WHY? When I was trying to wean myself off the meds in preparation of getting pregnant for the second time, a girlfriend told me to see them as one of the Lord's miracles. I could fight the anxiety hard core, but it would be mostly a losing battle. OR I could raise my hand and say, "Hi. I'm Heidi. I struggle with anxiety and need medication to help when my hormones are FREAKING THE FREAK OUT." And that's fine.
I met with a nurse from the breastfeeding clinic a few months ago. I rehashed my story through tear-filled eyes. Girls. I have told my nursing story to countless people and never get choked up about it, but for some reason, that day the emotions were REAL. But she was so encouraging. So, yes, we will try nursing again. If it doesn't work again, holla pump! And once I tire of that, holla formula!
The fall is when I'm the best version of myself. Always has been. Summer is historically hard. Those simple facts make me hopeful. Bennett will still go to daycare in the mornings while I'm on maternity leave and I have beautiful visions of taking little miss on morning walks and just enjoying the crisp air - my soul will undoubtedly need it.
I have an ARMY of prayers. I know I did last time as well, but I didn't reach out to them soon enough. Friends, I've already sent out my first SOS text. I firmly believe it takes a village to raise a child, but I also believe it takes a village to help a momma with a newborn. So, village, thank you in advance for being there. You know who you are.
In a month or two, I hope to update you on this journey. You know I'll be real. You can prematurely brace yourselves.
As always, if you're a new momma in the throes of life with a newborn, I see you, girl. Please don't fight alone. You are far too precious to go through this season in isolation. Reach out, friend. I got you.
September 12, 2016
September 8, 2016
Before Baby #2
There is so much to write before baby girl makes her appearance. And I've been paralyzed by all the swirling thoughts until recently when I realized that the thoughts are just going to get more swirly unless I just start writing. So with this post, I have no goal. There is no "one topic" or theme. Rather, this is a compilation of my mind in these final weeks of being an oven for a very active little girl.
On friends:
After every experience with my girlfriends, I am reminded just how precious friends are and how worth it it really is to make friends and be a good friend. Last Friday night my equally-as-pregnant friend and I sat on the bathroom floor while we bathed our toddlers. Neither of us were comfortable but watching our tots pour water on each other and squeal with delight while we sat on the hard tile floor will undoubtedly be filed away in our minds and hearts for years to come.
At a recent girls night, we were all able to agree that this season of life is so sweet. And so hard. We swapped stories of our birthing experiences and our growing families. And we were able to agree that a phrase we say to our husbands almost nightly is: "Should we watch another episode or just go to bed?"
These are precious moments.
On being pregnant for the second time:
This pregnancy has been so different from the first. Baby girl moves constantly which is equally reassuring and exhausting. I'm basically in pain all the time. Womp womp. And, because I strive to be authentic on this little blog, I'll admit something so disturbing to you. I've gained 10 pounds in the last two weeks. HOW DOES THAT EVEN HAPPEN. I've decided it's all baby. Let's just leave it at that.
I'm in that funky part of a pregnancy when I want her to keep growing because a bigger baby will eat better and sleep better so obviously that's more pleasant in the long run. HOWEVER, I'm at the end of my rope physically. I'm sore, tired, yada yada, all the things that are standard for the final few weeks. My sub plans for maternity leave are set so she could come anytime now, but I have such a killer plan of when she should come and when I will return back to school that it's fine if she wants to hang out inside for a few more weeks. Whatevs. We're about to cross that finish line (I'm 37 weeks now and she's measuring big, so anytime now is safe).
On the toddler no longer being my baby:Oh this one I have shed many tears over. I think he's ready for the transition. I mean, as ready as a two year old ever is for something that is going to turn his world upside down. We talk about the baby being in mommy's tummy though he is occasionally still convinced the baby is in his tummy. Someday we'll break it to him that his tummy won't ever hold a baby.
We talk about the baby's room (he's now in his big boy room with a queen-sized bed because, holla, that's what we had). We talk about how the baby is his little sister and is a girl. I've tried to have him say her name with minimal success. Daniel has threatened to not tell me the name of our next child though I have reminded him that we split the naming duty 50/50 so that's unfortunately not an option.
Bennett is his daddy's sidekick and will spend hours in the garage standing on the 'yadder' while Dan builds things. I think this is the Lord's way of preparing us all for the transition. I envision many evening and weekend hours where my boys will be fixing things in the garage while little miss and I do what newborns and mommas do. And this vision is oh so sweet to me.
I know we could read a million books to "help him prepare for the transition" and that's all good and fun. But I also know that, as a two year old, nothing will make it as real to him as when it actually happens. So I'm praying daily that (1) he will feel so loved in the midst of bringing a baby home and (2) that he will be such a great big brother to his baby sister. I know we'll have our moments, but I'm choosing to be extremely hopeful about the fall.
I have had many moments of "mommy-guilt" as I finish out this pregnancy. Am I spending enough intentional time with Bennett? Am I remembering every single second and loving it all ? Am I doing it right? And you know what conclusion I've come to? I'm doing the best I can. We will make it to the other side. Even if that means Bennett watches WAY more Thomas than I ever thought possible and if I spend more hours on the cough than anywhere else. It'll be okay. This is a season and this too, shall pass, and Bennett will be resilient.
On writing:
I love writing. So very very much. Due to the constant swirling of my mind, writing is a way to help me make sense of all the things. I've never asked this question but I sense the need to ask it. What would you like me to write about? I've been at a loss as of lately but my mind and my heart miss it. Give me a little feedback.
Perhaps the next time we chat I'll have a tiny human next to me rather than inside me. I miss you, dear readers. Let's chat again soon.
On friends:
After every experience with my girlfriends, I am reminded just how precious friends are and how worth it it really is to make friends and be a good friend. Last Friday night my equally-as-pregnant friend and I sat on the bathroom floor while we bathed our toddlers. Neither of us were comfortable but watching our tots pour water on each other and squeal with delight while we sat on the hard tile floor will undoubtedly be filed away in our minds and hearts for years to come.
At a recent girls night, we were all able to agree that this season of life is so sweet. And so hard. We swapped stories of our birthing experiences and our growing families. And we were able to agree that a phrase we say to our husbands almost nightly is: "Should we watch another episode or just go to bed?"
These are precious moments.
On being pregnant for the second time:
This pregnancy has been so different from the first. Baby girl moves constantly which is equally reassuring and exhausting. I'm basically in pain all the time. Womp womp. And, because I strive to be authentic on this little blog, I'll admit something so disturbing to you. I've gained 10 pounds in the last two weeks. HOW DOES THAT EVEN HAPPEN. I've decided it's all baby. Let's just leave it at that.
I'm in that funky part of a pregnancy when I want her to keep growing because a bigger baby will eat better and sleep better so obviously that's more pleasant in the long run. HOWEVER, I'm at the end of my rope physically. I'm sore, tired, yada yada, all the things that are standard for the final few weeks. My sub plans for maternity leave are set so she could come anytime now, but I have such a killer plan of when she should come and when I will return back to school that it's fine if she wants to hang out inside for a few more weeks. Whatevs. We're about to cross that finish line (I'm 37 weeks now and she's measuring big, so anytime now is safe).
On the toddler no longer being my baby:Oh this one I have shed many tears over. I think he's ready for the transition. I mean, as ready as a two year old ever is for something that is going to turn his world upside down. We talk about the baby being in mommy's tummy though he is occasionally still convinced the baby is in his tummy. Someday we'll break it to him that his tummy won't ever hold a baby.
We talk about the baby's room (he's now in his big boy room with a queen-sized bed because, holla, that's what we had). We talk about how the baby is his little sister and is a girl. I've tried to have him say her name with minimal success. Daniel has threatened to not tell me the name of our next child though I have reminded him that we split the naming duty 50/50 so that's unfortunately not an option.
Bennett is his daddy's sidekick and will spend hours in the garage standing on the 'yadder' while Dan builds things. I think this is the Lord's way of preparing us all for the transition. I envision many evening and weekend hours where my boys will be fixing things in the garage while little miss and I do what newborns and mommas do. And this vision is oh so sweet to me.
I know we could read a million books to "help him prepare for the transition" and that's all good and fun. But I also know that, as a two year old, nothing will make it as real to him as when it actually happens. So I'm praying daily that (1) he will feel so loved in the midst of bringing a baby home and (2) that he will be such a great big brother to his baby sister. I know we'll have our moments, but I'm choosing to be extremely hopeful about the fall.
I have had many moments of "mommy-guilt" as I finish out this pregnancy. Am I spending enough intentional time with Bennett? Am I remembering every single second and loving it all ? Am I doing it right? And you know what conclusion I've come to? I'm doing the best I can. We will make it to the other side. Even if that means Bennett watches WAY more Thomas than I ever thought possible and if I spend more hours on the cough than anywhere else. It'll be okay. This is a season and this too, shall pass, and Bennett will be resilient.
On writing:
I love writing. So very very much. Due to the constant swirling of my mind, writing is a way to help me make sense of all the things. I've never asked this question but I sense the need to ask it. What would you like me to write about? I've been at a loss as of lately but my mind and my heart miss it. Give me a little feedback.
Perhaps the next time we chat I'll have a tiny human next to me rather than inside me. I miss you, dear readers. Let's chat again soon.
January 7, 2016
Toddlering
Today I posed a question on the ol' Facebox. I asked for activities to do during the winter with an 18 month old. And I requested that my Facebox friends be my own personal Pinterest, if you will. Because ain't nobody got time fo dat. Pinterest, that is. [Love me some Pinterest, but my input (#1 strength, holla) mind can absolutely NOT handle the overload of information.]
Approximately 60 seconds after I posed my question, I seriously considered taking it down. Only because I was annoying myself with answers I thought people would give (we all know the interwebz can be an obnoxious place). I told myself that if I was going to be this critical of answers not even given yet, it wasn't going to be worth my mental energy. So I navigated my way to the post and saw the first several responses. And my friends were full of good ideas! So I told my mind to take a hike and left the post alone. Several hours later, the post is loaded with oodles of ideas.
We all know I'm type-A. The post was screaming at me for some quality organization. So I did what any self-respecting desperate mom of a toddler in the winter would do. And I organized the ideas. For me. And for YOU! So have at it. I know I will.
Some Monies:
> Small plastic slide to keep inside - B's bestie has one like this and he's borderline obsessed with it
> Cozy coupe - we got ours for free from a friend last year and it's still one of Bennett's favorite things. We keep it in hiding and pull it out a few times a week. It's always a hit.
> Membership somewhere with an indoor pool - we're totally looking into this
Less Monies:
> Coloring books - I like to give B only a few crayons at a time...otherwise he gets overwhelmed with all the crayons and ends up trying to eat them...so that's fun.
> Sticker books - or just give them pieces of tape. Because sometimes this momma is cheap.
> Color wonder - a great option with minimal mess
> Play-doh - this momma will need to to take some deep breaths leading up to this one.
> Window clingy things - what kid wouldn't love these?
> Coloring on windows with Expo markers - I'm NOT AT ALL STRESSED about this one. On opposite day. #hello1995 JK. I'm actually really excited about this one.
> Pretend painting with water and tiny brushes (we did this today...HUGE hit with the little man)
> Bin of dried rice or beans - add fun small toys to it and it's an instant scavenger hunt (we have yet to do this, but it's inched high on our list)
> Water beads - I don't have experience with these, but the ladies who know say they're super
> Or an edible version
> Balloons - keeping those suckers off the ground and other such activities you can do with balls of air
> Reusable sticker pad - I have high hopes for this bad boy. Would have been a great gift idea for Christmas!
> Bring snow in (come ON, Kansas, get it TOGETHER) and give them water color paints - paint in big bowls or pans
No Monies:
> "Washing" dishes - a glass of wine may or may not be necessary prior to this one :)
> Move toys to different rooms - change is good. Change is happy.
> Pack up most of the toys and bring out "new" ones periodically. We do this all the time. What!? I didn't know I had alphabet magnets! And a Cozy Coupe!? Best day ever. Every day.
> Toilet paper rolls, paper towel rolls, wrapping paper rolls, milk jugs, empty medicine bottles - gigantor wrapping paper rolls are way popular at this house...as are Amazon boxes and the packing materials that come in Amazon boxes
> Straws. That is all. Benz has the time of his life with straws.
> No-bath bath - books and cars in the bath - this one could be epic
> "Bowling" with bottles of water - think this could be doable with a little little with some modeling (#teacher)
> Pots and pans and spoons - we do this about every other week. It's loud and pretty ridiculous, but entertaining as well
> "Painting" bath - squirt of soap/shampoo, spoonful of cornstarch and a drop of food coloring - this will, no doubt, be awesome
> Dance party - Benny's dance moves consist of bending his knees and moving like a robot...classic.
So that's that. Our little one has been boycotting naps all week, so these ideas come at just the right time. I'm a horrible "player with littles," so some structured ideas are helpful for me. Perhaps you will receive some inspiration as well. And some camaraderie knowing that maybe, just maybe, you're not the only one trying to figure out how to fill your time with your tiny human who can't quite carry on a conversation. Bring on tomorrow!
Approximately 60 seconds after I posed my question, I seriously considered taking it down. Only because I was annoying myself with answers I thought people would give (we all know the interwebz can be an obnoxious place). I told myself that if I was going to be this critical of answers not even given yet, it wasn't going to be worth my mental energy. So I navigated my way to the post and saw the first several responses. And my friends were full of good ideas! So I told my mind to take a hike and left the post alone. Several hours later, the post is loaded with oodles of ideas.
We all know I'm type-A. The post was screaming at me for some quality organization. So I did what any self-respecting desperate mom of a toddler in the winter would do. And I organized the ideas. For me. And for YOU! So have at it. I know I will.
Some Monies:
> Small plastic slide to keep inside - B's bestie has one like this and he's borderline obsessed with it
> Cozy coupe - we got ours for free from a friend last year and it's still one of Bennett's favorite things. We keep it in hiding and pull it out a few times a week. It's always a hit.
> Membership somewhere with an indoor pool - we're totally looking into this
Less Monies:
> Coloring books - I like to give B only a few crayons at a time...otherwise he gets overwhelmed with all the crayons and ends up trying to eat them...so that's fun.
> Sticker books - or just give them pieces of tape. Because sometimes this momma is cheap.
> Color wonder - a great option with minimal mess
> Play-doh - this momma will need to to take some deep breaths leading up to this one.
> Window clingy things - what kid wouldn't love these?
> Coloring on windows with Expo markers - I'm NOT AT ALL STRESSED about this one. On opposite day. #hello1995 JK. I'm actually really excited about this one.
> Pretend painting with water and tiny brushes (we did this today...HUGE hit with the little man)
> Bin of dried rice or beans - add fun small toys to it and it's an instant scavenger hunt (we have yet to do this, but it's inched high on our list)
> Water beads - I don't have experience with these, but the ladies who know say they're super
> Or an edible version
> Balloons - keeping those suckers off the ground and other such activities you can do with balls of air
> Reusable sticker pad - I have high hopes for this bad boy. Would have been a great gift idea for Christmas!
> Bring snow in (come ON, Kansas, get it TOGETHER) and give them water color paints - paint in big bowls or pans
No Monies:
> "Washing" dishes - a glass of wine may or may not be necessary prior to this one :)
> Move toys to different rooms - change is good. Change is happy.
> Pack up most of the toys and bring out "new" ones periodically. We do this all the time. What!? I didn't know I had alphabet magnets! And a Cozy Coupe!? Best day ever. Every day.
> Toilet paper rolls, paper towel rolls, wrapping paper rolls, milk jugs, empty medicine bottles - gigantor wrapping paper rolls are way popular at this house...as are Amazon boxes and the packing materials that come in Amazon boxes
> Straws. That is all. Benz has the time of his life with straws.
> No-bath bath - books and cars in the bath - this one could be epic
> "Bowling" with bottles of water - think this could be doable with a little little with some modeling (#teacher)
> Pots and pans and spoons - we do this about every other week. It's loud and pretty ridiculous, but entertaining as well
> "Painting" bath - squirt of soap/shampoo, spoonful of cornstarch and a drop of food coloring - this will, no doubt, be awesome
> Dance party - Benny's dance moves consist of bending his knees and moving like a robot...classic.
So that's that. Our little one has been boycotting naps all week, so these ideas come at just the right time. I'm a horrible "player with littles," so some structured ideas are helpful for me. Perhaps you will receive some inspiration as well. And some camaraderie knowing that maybe, just maybe, you're not the only one trying to figure out how to fill your time with your tiny human who can't quite carry on a conversation. Bring on tomorrow!
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