It's no secret that my post-partum experience with Bennett was an absolute train wreck. Go back and have a read if you're able. I've never pretended that I have it all together and that post only confirms my general messiness.
But the beauty in that post and, I hope, the beauty in the next few weeks and months is that that part of me has been redeemed. When I wrote it 20 months ago, I remember thinking, "If one momma is encouraged by this, that's enough." I was blown away by the women who reached out to me for months after that post with their own story. The power of "me too" was tremendous and I'm forever grateful that though I was at the bottom, I overcame and the Lord completely used the pain for good.
ALL THAT to say, I'm about to enter the post-partum phase again. During post-partum round one, I had many thoughts like "guess I'll only have one baby" or "there's no way I'm doing this again" or "how does anyone have more than one kid?!" I'm officially 37 weeks and 5 days pregnant with baby #2, so I was obviously able to overcome those thoughts.
What I want to share with you is how I'm preparing for entering a season that was so dark 26 months ago. Why? Because something tells me there's someone out there who is terrified of having baby #2 for the same reasons I was. Let me be real: I'm not on the other side of post-partum yet, of course, but I am preparing for it much more intentionally than before round one.
Let's get logistical.
I literally already have a script from my doctor for anti-anxiety meds. I kid you not when I say that I will get it filled before we leave the hospital. Why? Because I know myself. And I know my hormones are going to hit the fan and splatter everywhere (how's that for graphic?) the minute sweet baby girl is born. Perhaps I could try a few weeks sans the meds but WHY? When I was trying to wean myself off the meds in preparation of getting pregnant for the second time, a girlfriend told me to see them as one of the Lord's miracles. I could fight the anxiety hard core, but it would be mostly a losing battle. OR I could raise my hand and say, "Hi. I'm Heidi. I struggle with anxiety and need medication to help when my hormones are FREAKING THE FREAK OUT." And that's fine.
I met with a nurse from the breastfeeding clinic a few months ago. I rehashed my story through tear-filled eyes. Girls. I have told my nursing story to countless people and never get choked up about it, but for some reason, that day the emotions were REAL. But she was so encouraging. So, yes, we will try nursing again. If it doesn't work again, holla pump! And once I tire of that, holla formula!
The fall is when I'm the best version of myself. Always has been. Summer is historically hard. Those simple facts make me hopeful. Bennett will still go to daycare in the mornings while I'm on maternity leave and I have beautiful visions of taking little miss on morning walks and just enjoying the crisp air - my soul will undoubtedly need it.
I have an ARMY of prayers. I know I did last time as well, but I didn't reach out to them soon enough. Friends, I've already sent out my first SOS text. I firmly believe it takes a village to raise a child, but I also believe it takes a village to help a momma with a newborn. So, village, thank you in advance for being there. You know who you are.
In a month or two, I hope to update you on this journey. You know I'll be real. You can prematurely brace yourselves.
As always, if you're a new momma in the throes of life with a newborn, I see you, girl. Please don't fight alone. You are far too precious to go through this season in isolation. Reach out, friend. I got you.
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