I predict...

• I will have pink eye tomorrow.  A student, who is still contagious, came to school with it.  I am prone to pink eye (3 months of it my freshman year at Tabor).  Is this a hyperbole?  No.
• I will use a literary term in each prediction.  I am well-versed in literary terms like Brownback is well-versed in education (don't be offended, it's just a figure of speech...a simile, in fact).
• I will forget to do something tonight that I need to do - laundry, pack for the weekend, be a cynical crab, oh wait, I'm already a cynical crab.  Name that literary term...
• I will fail to purchase a lemon for my water tomorrow.  The kiddos are always confused by my lemon.  They think I trap it in my water...and that it's screaming to be released.
• I will make a rock-star caliber birthday meal for my sweet hubs.  I told him he could have anything he wanted for his birthday meal, and he chose tacos.  He is a man of simple pleasures.  He is to his favorite foods as dessert-lovers are to chocolate cheesecake...don't need much, but what you get, you love.
• I will forget to purchase the gift cards that I'm using to bribe my sophomores to turn in their rough drafts on time.  Bribes are legal, right?  Don't politicians bribe people with at major events, especially ones such as the event that took place on November 4, 2008...
• My eyes will itch like the chicken pox.

Your task:  name all the literary devices (figurative language) used in the above post.  Perhaps the winner will receive something (other than my love, of course).  Humor me, please play along.