Bennett D: All Things Speech

I've been wanting to write about Bennett's speech challenges for awhile now, but my pride kept getting in the way and I didn't really want to put it out there that our child struggles. Then I read my college friend Cindy's beautiful post about her daughter's struggles and felt so validated that I knew it was time. Time to put my thoughts into words. Time to shed light on some darkness. Time to find the "me too" in our situation.

I don't speak about this lightly as I recognize that Bennett is his own person who will, one day, read these posts (hi much older Bennett, I bet you're pretty awesome...you've always been pretty awesome). So this is more my side of the story and my feelings regarding the areas of struggle for our wee one.

One disclaimer my friend Cindy gave is the realization that, in light of all the special challenges faced by so many kiddos, we want to recognize that our kids' challenges are minor. But, nonetheless, they are real to us. So thanks, Cindy, for so graciously giving space to talking about minor and major hard things.

When Bennett was about 15 months old, it was subtly pointed out to me that perhaps he was behind in his speech. At the time, he was only saying "mama" and "dada" though I'm not convinced that he conceptually knew what those words meant. His wonderful daycare provider was a speech therapist and she gently encouraged us to seek out other assistance when, at 18 months, he was not making any progress in regards to speech development. 

Last January, when Bennett was 19 months, I made the call to our local early childhood support agency and choked back tears as I explained my concerns. An evaluation was scheduled and a whole slew of professionals descended upon our house to evaluate our little boy.

The day of the evaluation he actually had a fever and was much less babbly than normal. The final question during the evaluation was, "What keeps you up at night in regards to his speech?" Of course, being the emotional momma that I am, I started crying and explained that I just want him to be normal. And I feared that his lack of speech would prevent a "normal" life. 

I could talk for DAYS about all the wonderful people at TARC. They have been encouraging when they need to be encouraging, full of knowledge and resources, and so patient as we navigate these waters. Sweet Molly, our speech therapist who I want to adopt as an aunt to our kids, has been phenomenal. I know more about speech development than I ever thought was possible (input is my number one strength, heyo StrengthsQuest...this means I love information) and she has tirelessly given us resources and strategies as we work and work and work to help Bennett with his speech. 

So where am I going with all of this?

On this journey, I have gained a great deal of empathy towards parents of children with special needs. I teach special education so I always thought myself to be a woman of compassion. Oh my, was I ever wrong. But I'm learning. For some kiddos, their challenges are broad and dip into many areas. For other kiddos, their challenges are so specific and they are able to, for the most part, function "normally" (whatever that means). Bennett falls into the latter category. I've learned that his exceptionality does not define him (nor should anyone's exceptionality define them!). He's a smart cookie (all parents say that, right?). He knows when Molly and I are talking about his speech development. And he knows when he wants to work on it and when he's just not that interested. Just the other day, Molly and I were trying to figure out how he pronounced the "h" sound. Molly picked up one of his horses and asked him what it was. Bennett, the sly little stinker, just said, "Nope!" Winning. 

He's about to age out of his time with TARC and will be evaluated soon to be placed on an actual IEP through our home district. I know with that means. I've written and implemented countless IEPs. But it feels different when it's MY kid who will be on the receiving end. 

I think I needed a swift kick in the booty in regards to my thoughts about special education. Bennett's a cool, smart, perceptive, timid, loud, slightly clumsy, and sweet little boy. He's made tons of progress in his speech but we still have a long way to go. We're in it for the long haul. And some days that makes me tearful, but as of lately, it's made me happily expectant. This is not his whole story. This is just a snippet of his story. A mere blip of who he is. If he is able to be more compassionate as a result of this experience, then it was totally worth it. May we, with every day we get with him, push him to see the best in others and not just their abilities or disabilities.

All of my love and more to all you parents. It's a tough job we have, but we wouldn't trade it for the world, am I right? 

XOXO 

Post-Partum Round 2, Part 1

Hi friends. It's been awhile. But we're all still kickin' over here. Just still adjusting to life with another tiny human to care for.

The past four months have been so redeeming and so humbling. Many of you have reached out to me to see how things are going with baby number 2 and it has meant the world. I figure I owe it to you all to update you on our status.

Sweet Finley Margaret entered the world right on schedule. Well, right on MY schedule. Which is mostly hilarious because things rarely go according to my schedule. I joked with some friends in the week leading up to the induction that I really wanted her here by noon so I could have lunch and relax for the rest of the day in the recovery room. AND IT HAPPENED. Finley stormed into the world at 11:58 am. Around 11:50, mid-push, I made a joke to the nurses and my doctor that I didn't think she'd be here by noon and they informed me that, actually, she probably would. So yes. I enjoyed a lunch of chicken strips, fries, and chocolate cake while gazing at our petite little miss.

Our hospital stay was dreamy. Well, about as dreamy as a post-partum hospital stay could be. My body recovered quickly and  I was able to sleep on my back which felt AMAZING.

The next thing I share I only do because I want others to be aware. This was, without question, the scariest parenting moment for me. And, had I known what I know now, it wouldn't have been nearly as terrifying.

During our second night at the hospital, we sent Finley to the nursery so Dan and I could get some sleep (to be honest, we sent Finley both nights...no shame...in my weary state Dan reminded me that we would care for Finley nearly every night for the next 18 years, so letting her stay in the nursery in between feedings her first two nights was not going to scar her...). Around 1:30 am our night nurse popped in and said, "We want you to know that Finley is hooked up to monitors and we are running some tests. It seems that she had a seizure and we want to know what's going on."

In that split-second, I knew I had a choice to make. I could either keep my cool or completely lose it and risk not being able to stop crying. I truly believe the Lord took over in that moment and helped me remain calm. I asked if I could see her. Dan and I walked down the hall to the nursery and saw our helpless little munchkin hooked up to a handful of monitors. Her oxygen had also dropped so she was receiving breathing assistance as well.

I asked if I could nurse her and they let me. Then one of the sweetest things happened and her oxygen levels instantly went up as I nursed her. They wanted to keep monitoring her through the night and hadn't gotten any test results back so they encouraged us to go back to our room to rest and then we'd find out more in the morning.

By the grace of God I was able to actually sleep. The next morning the test results were back but nothing was conclusive. Since a doctor was not present and only two nurses had observed the incident, we didn't even know what we were to be watching for. The pediatric hospitalist assured us that everything was fine and that it was probably just an underdeveloped nervous system. Even so, I left the hospital that day feeling uneasy.

Fast forward one week. Finley, in a handful of situations, had, what I refer to as, "twitching incidents." Her arms and legs would twitch on and off when she was sleeping. It didn't look like it was hurting her, but it was certainly not normal infant twitches. Once more she had an incident when I was at our wonderful local breastfeeding clinic. The lactation consultant was concerned and called our pediatrician. I had to really advocate for sweet Fin to be seen soon but we were able to schedule an appointment for the following afternoon. The morning of the appointment Finley had another twitching incident and I quickly took a video of it.

After what seemed like forever, we were finally in the exam room with our WONDERFUL pediatrician. We explained what we had been noticing and showed her the video of Finley twitching. A light bulb went on for her and she was able to give us a name. Finley had neonatal sleep myclonus. It's a benign condition that basically means her nervous system is underdeveloped. Our pediatrician told us it would fix itself in the next month or two. And you know what?! She was right. Right about when Finley was two months old I noticed that I hadn't seen any twitching for awhile. And she has been healthy and fine ever since.

I recognize that that was not the most interesting post on this ol' blog. But it did lend itself to multiple life lessons.
1. You've GOT to advocate for your kid. If YOU think something is off, you do what it takes to find answers. You are the parent and you know your kid better than anyone else. I pushed to let Finley be seen that day and I'm so thankful I did. I really didn't care that I was perhaps coming across as a hyper-concerned momma bear. Our co-pay that day was $85 but it was the best $85 we could have spent because it gave us peace of mind that everything was going to be okay.
2. DO NOT DO YOUR OWN INTERNET RESEARCH. :) Due to my experience with Bennett, I had learned that doing my own internet research would only increase my anxiety. So I stayed away from all google search bars and it was the best decision.
3. We are so thankful everything checked out. And we know that Finley will likely experience things that are far more traumatic than this incident. Either way, this was the beginning of her story. We are thankful for the nurses who first noticed the twitching, the lactation consultant who encouraged me to seek out more answers, and the pediatrician who put our minds at ease.
4. Finley is not MINE. She was given to us by our Lord and Savior and, during the week that I thought something very serious was wrong with her, I had to remind myself over and over that, as a parent, one of the best things I could do for her is to keep giving her back to the Lord.

I promise the next post will be more inspiring or at least entertaining, but this was part of my story and I didn't want to leave it out. Thanks, faithful ones, for reading.

Pre Post-Partum Preparations

It's no secret that my post-partum experience with Bennett was an absolute train wreck. Go back and have a read if you're able. I've never pretended that I have it all together and that post only confirms my general messiness.

But the beauty in that post and, I hope, the beauty in the next few weeks and months is that that part of me has been redeemed. When I wrote it 20 months ago, I remember thinking, "If one momma is encouraged by this, that's enough." I was blown away by the women who reached out to me for months after that post with their own story. The power of "me too" was tremendous and I'm forever grateful that though I was at the bottom, I overcame and the Lord completely used the pain for good.

ALL THAT to say, I'm about to enter the post-partum phase again. During post-partum round one, I had many thoughts like "guess I'll only have one baby" or "there's no way I'm doing this again" or "how does anyone have more than one kid?!" I'm officially 37 weeks and 5 days pregnant with baby #2, so I was obviously able to overcome those thoughts.

What I want to share with you is how I'm preparing for entering a season that was so dark 26 months ago. Why? Because something tells me there's someone out there who is terrified of having baby #2 for the same reasons I was. Let me be real: I'm not on the other side of post-partum yet, of course, but I am preparing for it much more intentionally than before round one.

Let's get logistical.

I literally already have a script from my doctor for anti-anxiety meds. I kid you not when I say that I will get it filled before we leave the hospital. Why? Because I know myself. And I know my hormones are going to hit the fan and splatter everywhere (how's that for graphic?) the minute sweet baby girl is born. Perhaps I could try a few weeks sans the meds but WHY? When I was trying to wean myself off the meds in preparation of getting pregnant for the second time, a girlfriend told me to see them as one of the Lord's miracles. I could fight the anxiety hard core, but it would be mostly a losing battle. OR I could raise my hand and say, "Hi. I'm Heidi. I struggle with anxiety and need medication to help when my hormones are FREAKING THE FREAK OUT." And that's fine.

I met with a nurse from the breastfeeding clinic a few months ago. I rehashed my story through tear-filled eyes. Girls. I have told my nursing story to countless people and never get choked up about it, but for some reason, that day the emotions were REAL. But she was so encouraging. So, yes, we will try nursing again. If it doesn't work again, holla pump! And once I tire of that, holla formula!

The fall is when I'm the best version of myself. Always has been. Summer is historically hard. Those simple facts make me hopeful. Bennett will still go to daycare in the mornings while I'm on maternity leave and I have beautiful visions of taking little miss on morning walks and just enjoying the crisp air - my soul will undoubtedly need it.

I have an ARMY of prayers. I know I did last time as well, but I didn't reach out to them soon enough. Friends, I've already sent out my first SOS text. I firmly believe it takes a village to raise a child, but I also believe it takes a village to help a momma with a newborn. So, village, thank you in advance for being there. You know who you are.

In a month or two, I hope to update you on this journey. You know I'll be real. You can prematurely brace yourselves.

As always, if you're a new momma in the throes of life with a newborn, I see you, girl. Please don't fight alone. You are far too precious to go through this season in isolation. Reach out, friend. I got you.

Before Baby #2

There is so much to write before baby girl makes her appearance. And I've been paralyzed by all the swirling thoughts until recently when I realized that the thoughts are just going to get more swirly unless I just start writing.  So with this post, I have no goal. There is no "one topic" or theme. Rather, this is a compilation of my mind in these final weeks of being an oven for a very active little girl.

On friends:
After every experience with my girlfriends, I am reminded just how precious friends are and how worth it it really is to make friends and be a good friend. Last Friday night my equally-as-pregnant friend and I sat on the bathroom floor while we bathed our toddlers. Neither of us were comfortable but watching our tots pour water on each other and squeal with delight while we sat on the hard tile floor will undoubtedly be filed away in our minds and hearts for years to come.

At a recent girls night, we were all able to agree that this season of life is so sweet. And so hard. We swapped stories of our birthing experiences and our growing families. And we were able to agree that a phrase we say to our husbands almost nightly is: "Should we watch another episode or just go to bed?"

These are precious moments.

On being pregnant for the second time:
This pregnancy has been so different from the first. Baby girl moves constantly which is equally reassuring and exhausting. I'm basically in pain all the time. Womp womp. And, because I strive to be authentic on this little blog, I'll admit something so disturbing to you. I've gained 10 pounds in the last two weeks. HOW DOES THAT EVEN HAPPEN. I've decided it's all baby. Let's just leave it at that.

I'm in that funky part of a pregnancy when I want her to keep growing because a bigger baby will eat better and sleep better so obviously that's more pleasant in the long run. HOWEVER, I'm at the end of my rope physically. I'm sore, tired, yada yada, all the things that are standard for the final few weeks. My sub plans for maternity leave are set so she could come anytime now, but I have such a killer plan of when she should come and when I will return back to school that it's fine if she wants to hang out inside for a few more weeks. Whatevs. We're about to cross that finish line (I'm 37 weeks now and she's measuring big, so anytime now is safe).

On the toddler no longer being my baby:Oh this one I have shed many tears over. I think he's ready for the transition. I mean, as ready as a two year old ever is for something that is going to turn his world upside down. We talk about the baby being in mommy's tummy though he is occasionally still convinced the baby is in his tummy. Someday we'll break it to him that his tummy won't ever hold a baby.

We talk about the baby's room (he's now in his big boy room with a queen-sized bed because, holla, that's what we had). We talk about how the baby is his little sister and is a girl. I've tried to have him say her name with minimal success. Daniel has threatened to not tell me the name of our next child though I have reminded him that we split the naming duty 50/50 so that's unfortunately not an option.

Bennett is his daddy's sidekick and will spend hours in the garage standing on the 'yadder' while Dan builds things. I think this is the Lord's way of preparing us all for the transition. I envision many evening and weekend hours where my boys will be fixing things in the garage while little miss and I do what newborns and mommas do. And this vision is oh so sweet to me.

I know we could read a million books to "help him prepare for the transition" and that's all good and fun. But I also know that, as a two year old, nothing will make it as real to him as when it actually happens. So I'm praying daily that (1) he will feel so loved in the midst of bringing a baby home and (2) that he will be such a great big brother to his baby sister. I know we'll have our moments, but I'm choosing to be extremely hopeful about the fall.

I have had many moments of "mommy-guilt" as I finish out this pregnancy. Am I spending enough intentional time with Bennett? Am I remembering every single second and loving it all ? Am I doing it right? And you know what conclusion I've come to? I'm doing the best I can. We will make it to the other side. Even if that means Bennett watches WAY more Thomas than I ever thought possible and if I spend more hours on the cough than anywhere else. It'll be okay. This is a season and this too, shall pass, and Bennett will be resilient.

On writing:
I love writing. So very very much. Due to the constant swirling of my mind, writing is a way to help me make sense of all the things. I've never asked this question but I sense the need to ask it. What would you like me to write about? I've been at a loss as of lately but my mind and my heart miss it. Give me a little feedback.

Perhaps the next time we chat I'll have a tiny human next to me rather than inside me. I miss you, dear readers. Let's chat again soon.

Toddlering

Today I posed a question on the ol' Facebox.  I asked for activities to do during the winter with an 18 month old.  And I requested that my Facebox friends be my own personal Pinterest, if you will.  Because ain't nobody got time fo dat.  Pinterest, that is.  [Love me some Pinterest, but my input (#1 strength, holla) mind can absolutely NOT handle the overload of information.]

Approximately 60 seconds after I posed my question, I seriously considered taking it down.  Only because I was annoying myself with answers I thought people would give (we all know the interwebz can be an obnoxious place). I told myself that if I was going to be this critical of answers not even given yet, it wasn't going to be worth my mental energy.  So I navigated my way to the post and saw the first several responses.  And my friends were full of good ideas!  So I told my mind to take a hike and left the post alone.  Several hours later, the post is loaded with oodles of ideas.

We all know I'm type-A.  The post was screaming at me for some quality organization.  So I did what any self-respecting desperate mom of a toddler in the winter would do.  And I organized the ideas.  For me.  And for YOU!  So have at it.  I know I will.

Some Monies:
> Small plastic slide to keep inside - B's bestie has one like this and he's borderline obsessed with it
> Cozy coupe - we got ours for free from a friend last year and it's still one of Bennett's favorite things.  We keep it in hiding and pull it out a few times a week.  It's always a hit.
> Membership somewhere with an indoor pool - we're totally looking into this

Less Monies:
> Coloring books - I like to give B only a few crayons at a time...otherwise he gets overwhelmed with all the crayons and ends up trying to eat them...so that's fun.
> Sticker books - or just give them pieces of tape.  Because sometimes this momma is cheap.
> Color wonder  - a great option with minimal mess
> Play-doh - this momma will need to to take some deep breaths leading up to this one.
> Window clingy things - what kid wouldn't love these?
> Coloring on windows with Expo markers - I'm NOT AT ALL STRESSED about this one.  On opposite day. #hello1995  JK.  I'm actually really excited about this one.
> Pretend painting with water and tiny brushes (we did this today...HUGE hit with the little man)
> Bin of dried rice or beans - add fun small toys to it and it's an instant scavenger hunt (we have yet to do this, but it's inched high on our list)
> Water beads - I don't have experience with these, but the ladies who know say they're super
> Or an edible version 
> Balloons - keeping those suckers off the ground and other such activities you can do with balls of air
> Reusable sticker pad - I have high hopes for this bad boy.  Would have been a great gift idea for Christmas!
> Bring snow in (come ON, Kansas, get it TOGETHER) and give them water color paints - paint in big bowls or pans

No Monies:
> "Washing" dishes - a glass of wine may or may not be necessary prior to this one :)
> Move toys to different rooms - change is good.  Change is happy.
> Pack up most of the toys and bring out "new" ones periodically.  We do this all the time.  What!?  I didn't know I had alphabet magnets!  And a Cozy Coupe!?  Best day ever.  Every day.
> Toilet paper rolls, paper towel rolls, wrapping paper rolls, milk jugs, empty medicine bottles - gigantor wrapping paper rolls are way popular at this house...as are Amazon boxes and the packing materials that come in Amazon boxes
> Straws.  That is all.  Benz has the time of his life with straws.
> No-bath bath - books and cars in the bath - this one could be epic
> "Bowling" with bottles of water - think this could be doable with a little little with some modeling (#teacher)
> Pots and pans and spoons - we do this about every other week.  It's loud and pretty ridiculous, but entertaining as well
> "Painting" bath - squirt of soap/shampoo, spoonful of cornstarch and a drop of food coloring - this will, no doubt, be awesome
> Dance party - Benny's dance moves consist of bending his knees and moving like a robot...classic.

So that's that.  Our little one has been boycotting naps all week, so these ideas come at just the right time. I'm a horrible "player with littles," so some structured ideas are helpful for me.  Perhaps you will receive some inspiration as well. And some camaraderie knowing that maybe, just maybe, you're not the only one trying to figure out how to fill your time with your tiny human who can't quite carry on a conversation.  Bring on tomorrow!

An Update, of Sorts

Jobs are funny, aren't they?  I mean, we need them to financially take care of our people.  And, let's face it, we need them to give us something to do...whether IN or OUT of the home.  In a perfect world, we would all have a job we love that enables us to be financially set AND personally satisfied.  The trouble is that our world isn't perfect.

Almost a year ago I went back to work after an exhausting maternity leave.  I was ready to return to work only because I needed consistency.  I thrive in routine.  Being at home all day every day with a newborn whose strength was not daytime napping had taken its toll on me.  I needed a good ol' dose of 7 class periods with a bell every 47 minutes informing me to move to the next class.  Ahhh, bliss.  You think I joke.  I don't.  Consistency and cookies are my favorite.  I love them equally.  And I love me some cookies.

So back to school I went.  With my handy-dandy breast pump.

About 6 weeks after my return, I was so exhausted from the daily duties that go along with teaching full-time and wifing full-time and mommying full-time.  I was spent.  So Daniel and I did some number-crunching and we realized that we could make some personal budget cuts and I could look for something part-time.  My first and last stop in my job search was to talk to my principal (my supervisor).  I was doubtful that what I would ask for would work, but I knew I would never know unless I asked.

I spelled it out to him: I'm tired. I'm sucking at life at home and I'm sucking at life at school.  I want to keep teaching but I also want to be at home with my sweet Bennett.  I want to work mornings and be a part-time employee.

And you know what?  After months of conversations, he was able to grant my request.  This year my contract is from 7:30-11:30 Monday through Friday (I teach high school special education).  And it's so dreamy.

More than any other time in my life, I feel like I'm doing exactly what I need to be doing.  I love my "get paid" job.  I love high schoolers.  Goodness, they are special people.  And I love spending half my day with them.  And I adore my "don't get paid" job.  Toddler Bennett is a special little boy, and I'm thrilled and honored to spend the better part of my day with him.

Some of you are able to work full-time and still love your life.  I was not.  At least not in this season of my life.  Our phenomenal babysitter would send us pictures of Bennett at the zoo, Bennett at a playground, Bennett on a walk.  And while one part of my heart would rejoice that he was being taken care of so well, the other part would break that someone else was getting to see him experience all the fun things that go with being a kid. (Side note: I am forever grateful for our sitter and the love she gave our B.  I just wanted to give him daytime love, too!)

To full-time working mommas:  I get you.  You are a rock-star.  You're doing the best thing for your family.  Be sure to give yourself lots of grace.

To part-time working mommas: I get you.  You are the bees knees.  You're doing the best thing for your family.  Work hard when you work so when you're at home, you can be at home.

To stay-at-home mommas: I get you (I was at home all summer with my boy).  Your job might not pay, but it is seriously tough stuff.  Do a baby-sitting swap with a friend.  You won't regret it.

What's the point of me telling you this?

Talk to your people and figure out what would be best for your family.

And then ask for it.  You never know unless you ask.  

Time is short.  Time is precious.  Figure out how you want to spend it.  And then do it.  

Freezer Meal Swapz

About a month ago Bennett and I went on a walk.  We go on a walk nearly every day (except for several of the hotter than hell days as of late).  The Benny LOVES being outside.  It's totally his jam.  When he was a wee screaming babe, being outside was one of the few things that calmed him down. So we would spend HOURS on our porch swing.  Hours.  And then my butt would fall asleep so I would have to choose between a numb bum and a screaming infant.  My rear still hasn't recovered.

I digress.

On this particular walk a few weeks ago, I was reminded that I would be heading back to work soon and that my freezer was currently empty.  I had a minor panic attack thinking, "How am I going to feed my boys when I come home from work exhausted every day?"  My mom and mother-in-law and step mother-in-law came to the rescue last year and filled my freezer to the brim, but this year I figure it should be my responsibility (still so thankful for the meals, mom, Carri, and Joy!).

After panicking for a bit, I pulled my head out of the sand and began brainstorming.  Walking is my think time and Lord knows I need it.  Benz is in his happy place waving at every squirrel that runs by and I'm in my happy place processing life.  It's the good stuff.

I won't give you too much of a glimpse into my brain because it would probably stress you out (ya'll, it's crazy in there), so I'll just cut to the chase (yeah right, like I ever do #amiright).

What I came up with was a freezer meal swap.  I threw the idea out there on the Faceboxes (mildly terrified that no one would think it was a good idea) and I was pleasantly surprised at the response.  So many women are busy and tired and trying to feed their families.  I am not alone.  YOU are not alone.  The response was so overwhelming (in a beautiful way) that I eventually had to cut it off at 20 (sorry to those who couldn't participate this round!).

It was one of those moments when I realized that this better work.  Or else literally dozens of people will be irritated and, worst of all, hungry and without go-to meals in their freezers.

The wheels started turning in my brain and what follows is how I organized it.  Readers, I'm posting this because I want you to do it.  I've fielded at least a dozen emails/messages from friends from all seasons of life and they all want to do this.  SO DO IT. :)  I can answer all your questions.  It's my favorite thing to do. If the size that we did it seems overwhelmingly large to you, then just do it with a few people.

Okay, ready for the nitty-gritty?  Let's go.

• I made a Facebook event (it's the easiest thing.  My not young but not old mother can do it.  Love you, mom!).
• I posted the guidelines (what you see here are the tweaked guidelines after I processed more). 
• This is going to be so great, gals!  Please read the following guidelines and by RSVPing yes, you're committing to bringing meals that will be shared with others. :)  
• Choose a recipe that you know is good.  Maybe a family favorite? Once you've decided, comment what you're planning to make...that way we won't end up with a dozen tator tot casseroles.  Believe me, almost everything can be turned into a freezer meal, so don't feel like you're stuck with meatballs and lasagna.  
• Avoid really unique recipes - I'm sure Ethiopian food is delicious, but I'm not certain a freezer meal swap is the best place to introduce it. :)  If you're uncertain about your recipe, feel free to ask! 
• As soon as I know how many gals are participating, I'll let you know how many batches to prepare. One batch needs to be enough to feed a family of 5 - so if you're only feeding 2 people, you'll technically walk away with double the meals!  
• You must use brand-name freezer bags.  Obnoxious, I know.  But believe me, I've tried all the off-brands and they all leak.  So splurge a little for the sake of all the gals getting your food.  If your meal has a large amount of liquid, it would be good to double bag it.  
• Freeze your meal prior to delivering it to Heidi's.  Please FREEZE IT FLAT - this is really important for storage reasons, of course.  
• On the outside of your bag, label your meal as well as instructions for preparing.
• You're only responsible for the main entree - no side dishes.  So if you put together crock-pot fajitas, you don't need to include cheese or tortillas or anything - just the meat/veggie/spice mixture. 
• Bring a cooler or cooler bag to the swap to minimize thawing during transport. 
• It would be extremely challenging to coordinate a dozen people's schedules, so here's what we'll do:   The exchange will begin Thursday, July 30 at 7:30 pm and if you're unable to come by at the actual swap, no worries!  But you must bring your meals prior to the exchange and then contact me to arrange another time for pick-up!
• QUESTIONS?  Holler at me, gurls.
• I invited the 20 women who expressed interest when I posed the initial question.  
• Several women realized they wouldn't actually be able to participate, so the final number ended up being 15 which makes this type-A yahoo so happy because who doesn't love a number divisible by 5?!
• Once the number was finalized, I posed a question to the group:  would you rather be split into two groups (one of 7 and one of 8) and end up with that many meals OR would you rather make 15 meals and end up with 15?  Several ladies opted for the smaller group, but after chatting with them individually they decided they could do 15 (thanks, gals, for being team players!).  I informed the gals that they needed to make 15 of their meal and bring 14 to the swap (keeping one for their family).  
• Over the next few weeks women posted what they would bring and everyone got to work individually.  Some were so on the ball and made their meals immediately (love you, Rachel!) and others waited until the day before.  But it didn't matter when they made them which is one of the beauties of this method.
• Women who wouldn't be able to attend the actual swap began dropping their food off a few days before the swap.
• The night of the swap arrived and this is how I set up my space:

• Only 9 women were able to be at the actual swap, so I assigned several a "buddy" who wouldn't be able to be there.  The women in attendance were responsible for collecting the 15 meals for their buddy but I would then store their meals until pick-up.  I assigned everyone a seat because #typeA.  Don't hate. I provided reusable grocery bags to "collect" the meals in but then the women transferred their meals into their own cooler once they had distributed their contribution. 
• My SIL Tammy suggested that we do the swap "like a preschool Halloween candy exchange."  Preschool moms are the best.  I gave everyone a list of all the meals (see below).

Cook	Meal	Received
Maegan	Beef BBQ biscuits
Andrea	Loaded breakfast burritos
Marcy	Hawaiian BBQ chicken
Julie	Cilantro lime chicken
Tammy	Chicken taquitos
Melissa	Beef enchiladas
Ashley	Baked ziti
Stacy	Beef pasta veggie bake
Lyndsie	Chicken broccoli divan
Heidi	Stuff over fritos
Rachel	Chicken tortilla soup
Andrea	Chicken taco bowls
Tamela	Italian chicken
Grace	Taco soup
Angela	BBQ chicken enchiladas

Then I started with one of the meals that was dropped off.  I passed out one meal to each person.  Then another gal went to her ginormous cooler and passed out one meal to each person.  And it continued times 15.  We kept commenting how it was like Christmas.  But with food.  To feed our families.  From our freezer.  BEST. CHRISTMAS. PRESENT. EVER. #nooffensesanta

I provided gloves for anyone who had chilly hands (you laugh, but YOU try wrangling dozens of frozen meals without gloves...then we'll see who's laughing).  

These pics make it look like chaos, but, I'm telling ya, it was organized chaos!

There ya have it!

There are many pros to doing freezer meals in this fashion, but here are just a few:

• Making 15 of the same meal is so much easier than making 15 different meals (think buying in bulk, assembling individual meals assembly line style, etc.). 
• Freezing flat really is the way to go - so much more storage space.
• Who doesn't want an evening to spend with other ladies!?
• It was a bit of a "worlds collide" night for me as women from work, church, and the community that I know all gathered.  I love times like that.
• It took me 2 1/2 hours to make my 15 meals whereas when I've down freezer cooking in the past, I literally will spend ALL DAY and end up with 15 meals.  Having a kid has taught me many things including the fact that there is no such thing as efficiency anymore.  That being said, efficiency is the name of my game whenever I have the chance.

By the numbers (because I'm like my dad and I like numbers):

• 15 families walked away with 15 meals.
• 225 meals were brought into my house
• Each meal will feed at least a family of 5.  SO. That means 1,125 individual meals were distributed.  

And just because I'm very introspective and very much a processor of all the things, here's my last food for thought.

Late last year I had a vision of wanting to have 100 different people over for dinner throughout the year.  Well, life happens and I quickly realized it might not be possible.  Initially I was saddened by this thought but then I realized I could just pour more time and energy and resources into other things and not be so upset that I didn't even start to meet the goal I set.

This morning on yet another walk (see above...walks are my "think time") I had a realization.  Though not as I had planned initially and certainly not entirely on my own, but WE fed 1,125 people indirectly from my home.  Life really is better when you do it with others.  Now get to cooking, ladies!  You will definitely not regret this!

He's HERE!!!

Our tiny friend has arrived!  With feedings every 2 hours, I don't have time to give you the deets (of course you'll get all the juicy details sometime), but for now, know that our favorite little person is residing outside of the womb and we couldn't be more thrilled.

Bennett D Carlson was born Friday, June 27 at 4:20 pm.  Weighing in at 8 pounds, 13 ounces and measuring 22 inches, we're pretty sure he'll pass up momma in height before he turns 15.  DaddyDan and mommaD happily welcomed little B home on Sunday. 

Who knew it was possible to love a little one this much!?  Life is sweet.

Pregnancy Journal #5

Disclaimer:  I never thought I'd do another pregnancy journal with this pregnancy because I NEVER CONSIDERED BEING OVERDUE.  Shame on me.  Here I sit, 3 days overdue with no end in sight.  I'll admit, I'm being a bit melodramatic (figures, right?), but I truly never imagined that I would be going on an anniversary date with a basketball-sized belly.  When will I ever learn?  Ha, hot mess.  All the time. 

Here are some of the recent capers of baby C, #daddyDan, and giant mother:

Stranger Observations:  We ate at Chipotle Saturday night to celebrate one last evening without a tiny friend (hahahahahahahahaha, "one last night," hahahahahahahaha).  I went through the line and ordered my fave (flour tacos, chicken, a little white rice, corn salsa, pico, cheese, sour cream, guac on the side - now you know).  When I moved from where the high counter meets the low counter, one of the workers saw me and literally gasped, "Ahhhh!  I did NOT see that coming!"  As in, "Whoa, giant belly, did not expect that!!"  I about died.  Yet another reason baby C must exit the premises immediately.  It's striking fear into the hearts of strangers!

Exercise:  Weeeeelllllll, I try to do something active each day.  Sometimes that means running errands and attempting not to grunt too loudly when I enter and exit the car.  Other times that means convincing daddyDan to take me walking (last night our venue of choice was Lowe's).  Other times that means swimming at our local fitness club.  But let's be honest, I don't swim.  I stand.  Occasionally I bounce.  And sometimes I even walk laps.  Oh to be a fly on the wall in the office:  "There's that pregnant lady again.  I guess when a few days pass and we haven't seen her, we'll know she's not a giant anymore."  During one of my latest swimming sessions, I was pausing at one end of the lap lane before taking off on my sprint once more and one of the lifeguards came over to me and asked me to move from the lap lane if I wasn't going to use it.  I have no words.  But so many, MANY emotions including, but not limited to, anger, rage, and any emotion that a sailor with an excessive potty-mouth would experience.  Not pretty.

Contractions:  I swear I was in labor Friday night.  And then again Saturday night.  And then again Sunday night.  And then I gave up.

Friends:  We feel so engulfed by love.  Every day for the past week I've heard from someone out of the blue "just checking on me."  And it's so sweet.  My girlfriends have seriously rallied behind me, from taking me on walks to bringing me Sonic happy hour drinks (diet watermelon limeade, easy ice...now you know...I also wouldn't say no to mozzarella sticks) to sending me boxes of "get to the finish line" supplies to last-minute dinner invites to pool party invitations to quick phone-call check-ins to daily "here's what I'm doing today, feel free to join any of the aforementioned activities" to so many other loving things.  You gals are the best.  Seriously.  I believe I have all 5 love languages as my top love language (Danz thinks this makes me high-maintenance...I think it makes me easy to please, anywho), but my number one is definitely "words of affirmation," and let me tell you, I am feeling might affirmed.  So a huge heartfelt thanks to all of you who have reached out.  Your words have meant the world and have legitimately kept me from going insane. 

Grateful:  You all know I'm sarcastic and snarky and full of ridiculous things.  But I really am so thankful for this journey of carrying a wee one.  I'm thankful my body has proven to be a decent home for a tiny human to grow and flourish.  And the fact that I can absolutely not wait until babe arrives is truly a testament to God's grace and provision and timing.  You see, up until about a month ago, I was so full of fear that I couldn't even think about my due date or what would happen once babe actually arrived.  You may or may not know that I'm a teacher.  And I am a processor and love to spend lots of time reflecting on life (I'm a bit of an extroverted introvert).   Historically, summer has meant house projects, visiting people I love, and resting.  This summer, so far, I've completed zero house projects (with exception to finishing the nursery, of course) and I have spent minimal time traveling to visit people (because, as I mentioned in a previous post, car rides are of the devil....oh, and because baby was supposed to come early).  But oh have I rested.  And processed.  And reflected.  And what a gift it has been.  I can't count the numbers of hours I've spent sitting on our porch swing or in our nursery just thinking.  I know, I know, "enjoy it now because it will never be the same."  I get it.  And I'm ready.  I'm ready for a new normal and a new routine.  I'm ready for sleepless nights.  I'm ready to watch daddyDan be daddyDan.  I'm ready for endless loads of laundry and for losing tiny socks in the wash.  I'm ready for a messy house due to a human the size of my thigh.  I'm ready for spontaneity to be a bit more challenging.  I'm ready for playdates with other tiny humans and their mommas.  And I'm ready for my heart to explode with love for someone I've never met.  It's time, baby C.  We're ready for you.  

Pregnancy Journal #3

Let's dive right in, shall we?

Emotions:  Holy hot pickle on a scorching Sunday afternoon.  These emotions.  They are my nemesis.  A few short days ago, hysterical laughter turned into hysterical tears without any warning.  By nature, I'm a bit of a procrastinator. So I'm 31 weeks into this whole "being pregnant for the first time" thing and I hadn't spent one second looking for child-birthing classes.  Shame. Finally when I remembered to look, ALL classes in Topeka, Lawrence, Olathe, and Overland Park were either booked or at times when we're out of town or have a major event.  Not even kidding.  At first, when when I shared this conundrum with #daddydan, I about died laughing.  Then reality struck and the tears started to fall.  Poor daddy Dan.  His response?  Unprompted by yours truly, he picks up the phone and starts calling hospitals in a 60 mile radius to ask about birthing classes.  Meanwhile, I'm sniffling and wiping snot on his t-shirt (because his t-shirts are the only ones that fit me anymore...cue more tears).  #besthusbandever

Itchy Everything:  I'm just itchy.  Always.  Apparently my skin is stretching (??) and a side-effect is itchiness.  Not a big deal.  Except when you get paid to stand in front of teenagers for 8 hours a day.  Let's just say I think I've perfected the art of nonchalant itching.  Just don't verify with my co-teachers.

Kankles:  I've never been one to have chubby ankles, but now it seems as though they are part of my daily wardrobe.  Said ankles are so chubby that some of my socks don't fit.  Truth.

Nesting:  If baby coconut came tomorrow, he/she would be sharing a room with bags of clothes waiting to be donated/sold, painting supplies, suitcases galore, and enough furniture to fill a small flea market.  Dear friends, daddy Dan and I talked through our "must happen before baby coconut arrives" list and we were so overwhelmed that our only reaction was to continue swinging on our newly installed porch swing.  About every day I remind myself that nothing that "needs to happen" truly needs to happen.  It's going to be okay.

Gender:  I have my suspicions about what baby C is, but apparently since my suspicions aren't based in science (aka: sonogram), people don't believe me.  Whatever.  I will laugh my "told you so" laugh when baby arrives...or I will laugh my "I'm always wrong" chortle.  Whichever color baby C comes home in will become my new favorite color, of this I am certain.

Shakira:  Just call me Shak because my hips don't lie.  Pajama pants that used to be baggy on me are now excessively taut.  Supposedly this is because I'm about to push out a head that is in the 99th percentile (quoth the doctor: "you know, the head is the most difficult part to get out." NBD.)(and daddy Dan is still reigning champion of the widest shoulders in McPherson county...you think I kid, but I assure you I could not be more serious).  Bring it, baby C.  My hips were made for birthing, and that's just what they'll do. 

Prayer:  My most recent prayer comes from the book that is currently rocking my world - Restless by Jennie Allen (do yourself a favor and read it).  I pray that baby C's "soul is steadied and secure because his/her eyes are laser-focused on the one who built and rescued his/her soul."  Amen and amen. 

31 weeks down.  9 to go.  We press on!

Prayer Group Update

Approximately 4 months ago, I wrote a post titled "Ladies of Topeka!!!" wherein I called women in Topeka to come to my house early on Thursday mornings for prayer and coffee.  Since that time, I've had quite a few questions as to how it's going.  To be honest?  It has been fantastic.  I've truly loved every Wednesday night because I'm looking forward to Thursday morning.  I've had a handful of dedicated women come to share and pray every week.  The best part?  I'm the common bond between all the women...BUT what's been so cool is that even though these women were, for the most part, strangers, they've gotten to know each other and have been able to be transparent and open.  So awesome.

Some of you love details.  In fact, my guess is that some of you would really like to attend but haven't because you're a bit unsure as to what we "do" each time we meet.  Well, here's a very real breakdown of our time together:
6:30-6:35 - snag some coffee and find a comfy spot on the couch
6:35-6:50 - share prayer request updates (we work really hard to be a group who prays more than shares...sometimes when women share, we get lost in our emotions, but we've found that when we pray, our real heart is shown and our friends are able to see what's really going on....unbelievably amazing)
6:50-7:10 - pray - we each pray 3 times and we pray through layers like an onion - we pray for ourselves and things WE can change (our attitudes, our feelings, our emotions, our situations, etc.), then we pray for our immediate families (our husbands, kids, etc.), and then we pray for people who we regularly have direct influence over (I pray for a few choice students, other women pray for co-workers or friends), and finally, we pray for our church/community
7:10-??? - second to the prayer time, this is my favorite.  We respond to each other's prayer.  After hearing our friends' specific prayer request, this is the time that we either ask follow-up questions or offer words of encouragement that we received while hearing her prayer.  Incredibly powerful.
7:15 - I head out...........sometimes the women leave when I do, other times they stay until.....I guess I don't know, but they're always gone when I get home around 4. :)

So, girlfriend, if you live in Topeka, please come.  You won't know what an incredible blessing this prayer group could be for you until you give it a try.  We promise it will be casual, low-key, and encouraging.  So please come.  I promise you will be blessed.  And that sleep you'll miss?  Don't even worry about it.  As my mom says, "Sleep is overrated."

B: BFF LYLAS PTL LOL

Begin by hopping to the youtubes to hit play on this song.

Tomorrow is a big day in the life of my bestie B.  Tomorrow is the day that she follows the call on her life to love people in the nation of Uganda.  You see, nearly a decade and a half ago, she began to feel a burden for the people of Uganda.  And over time, the burden has only intensified.  So tomorrow she will put aside all the creature comforts of America in order to follow Jesus.  And I couldn't be more proud.

This is, most likely, the first picture we took together.  B's dad took it on his Polaroid camera when we were, I believe, in 4th grade....so at least 16 years ago.  There continues to be an awkward amount of difference in our height as well as a huge difference in our athletic prowesses (of course she is more of an athlete than me).

But after 19 years of friendship, countless sleepovers, and at least 500 games of Spit (our made-up card game), we're still besties.

Golly gee, Beezie, I'm going to miss you like like crazy.  But I'm unbelievably proud of the decision you've made and the path you're following.  I've shed quite a few tears this weekend and I'm sure more will follow in the next several days, but the overwhelming peace that this is exactly what you need to be doing completely surpasses the sadness.  So go, sweet friend.  Do your thang.  Love Jesus.  Love the people.  And avoid snakes.  I can't handle another snake story.  In two years, I promise to greet you with coffee and sushi.

Sending you more love, prayers, and thoughts of chips and salsa than you could possibly know.

A Series

So there was this one time in June that 3 ladies from Abilene came to partake in all the amenities Topeka could offer.  Food was eaten, pedicures were given, shopping was done, and laughter was heard.  A day that ranks in the top 10 of all days this summer. 

And then we tried to take a picture.  And this happened.

 Yes, let's sit on the couch.

 Waiting so patiently.

 Minor adjustments.

 Happy.

 Happier.

 My favorite.

 Offering suggestions.

 Mid-swap.

 Happy again.

 Hahahahahahahaha.  Love you, B.

 Stair-stepping.

 Awkward hand.

I think there's one or two winners in this series, right? 

Moms. Holla.

This post is dedicated to any and all mommas.  (Side-note - I think dads are da bomb as well, but since I'll never be able to relate to dads quite like I can to mommas, hence the dedication.  Love to all dads.) 

I've never been one to label any specific job as "hardest job in the world" because I truly believe there are many jobs that are taxing in every way.  That being said, I have to say mommying definitely ranks in the top 5 best and hardest jobs in the world.  In the short 18 hours I have nannied for the crazies (my affectionate name for these sweets), I have been completely exhausted, sweat through every layer of clothing, laughed until I cried, internally freaked because both littles were melting down in a parking lot, and had a combination of bananas and snot wiped in my hair.  Ya'll, this mothering thing is not for the faint of heart.

Mommas, read:  major props to you.  You rock out at this mothering thing all day every day.  You love with all you are even on the hard days.  You put yourself aside for people less than half your size.  And you cry tears of joy when your babes hand you weeds to put in a pretty vase.  You are my heros.  When I grow up, I want to be just like you. 

This summer I have the glorious job of watching three of the most beautiful, animated, hilarious, adorably sweet, and undeniably awesome little boys (there are 4 other little boys I'm quite partial to) on Tuesdays.  I often refer to them as the crazies because while they are 95% sweet, they are also 5% crazy (aka: full of little boy orneriness).  

In my brief time with them so far this summer, I have learned an abundant amount of lessons I will undoubtedly take to motherhood whenever that time should come.  The following are some snippets of our days together, and it should be noted that nothing, literally nothing, is exaggerated.  People, weird stuff happens wherever I am, so my nannying gig is no different.

I took the twins (22 months old) to a local kids place where nothing is off-limits and the phrase "no, no, don't touch that" is never uttered (blissful).  While in the toddler area and while attempting to create a colossal padded fort for the boys, I stepped on a rainbow-shaped pad, twisted my ankle, awkwardly flailed (you guys, I'm gangly, so anytime I lose my balance, it's ain't pretty), and promptly crashed to the ground.  In the process, I skinned my knee pretty bad.  Remember how bad it hurts when you skin your knee?  Oh right, you probably don't because you probably haven't skinned your knee for a good two decades.  Yeah....  And the best part is that the toddlers just kept playing unbeknownst to my pain while the other moms in the fenced-off area looked at me with such pity.  Apparently my face told the story of how my knee was feeling.  Cheers to you, moms, for making it look graceful when painful things happen. 

On our way to the van from the play place, the twins took turns being sad about leaving.  I lack a tremendous amount of upper body strength, so carrying them both was just not an option.  Since they were kind enough to take turns being sad, I figured I would return the favor and take turns carrying each of them.  While not fool-proof, my plan worked as we safely arrived to the van a mere 15 minutes after we left.  And the best part is, by this point, I had only sweat through one layer of clothes.  Props to moms with multiple littles.  How you manage to make it in and out of stores without breaking a sweat (or joining your littles in their melt-down!) astounds me. 

I picked up the older brother and one of his buddies just after lunch, and by the time everyone was safely buckled, one of the toddlers pointed to his shoeless right foot.  Awesome.  With sweat literally dripping off my face at this point, I looked around the van to no avail.  Minor freak-out ensued.  I finally found the shoe in the front seat (don't ask) and felt much relieved.  Well done, moms, for you do extremely complicated things (like transport multiple children of various ages) with ease.  And you rarely sweat.  Seriously, how do you do it!?

Bathtime happened right after naps this week.  One of my buddies was so sad about it, so I let him play with the cup that they use to dump water on their heads pre- and post-shampooing (awful explanation - I assume you understand the concept of a cup in the bathtub).  Rookie mistake.  One minute later, I was drenched after he thought he would return the favor and dump an entire cup of water on me.  Love to you, moms, for you have learned to laugh when your babes make you look like a hot mess.  You continue to amaze me.

Mommas - your job is exhausting in every way.  (Literally, every muscle in my body ached after yesterday.  No joke. But my heart was also ridiculously full.)  You have the power to shape moldable little minds and hearts - what a privilege!  The maddest of props to you, mommys.  And while I can't say it yet, whenever I see you in public with a little, I just want to take your hand and say, "Solidarity, sister.  I get it.  Keep going."  Utmost respect to you for doing what you do all day every day.  The world is truly a better place because of you.